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 A WEAPON CALLED SHAME

Shame has over time been weaponized as punishment for women unwilling to

conform. In a more direct tone, I would use the word a ‘threat’ for stubborn women.

Since they have already created a likability cage for women, they know that she is

afraid of being unliked if she puts up some sort of unapproved behaviors. They are

also aware that some women do not care of being liked, so the last trick up their

sleeves is that of shame. They throw the word ‘prostitute, cheap, easy, and slut’ for

women deemed immodest. It is their punishment for being wayward women. A lot of

misogynists who cannot pull a woman, would accuse her of seducing him if she

rejects his advances towards her.

In my second year in porto novo for school, I was eighteen years old at the time. I had

gone out to buy akara for breakfast. We were in a queue and I had stood there waiting

my turn. There was an old, fat, ugly and stupid man who could’ve been about fifty or

sixty sitting by the seller. He had made subtle advances towards me and had asked me

for my phone number. I had a cold expression on my face when I had told him ‘no.’

It is needless to say that this man wasn’t expecting such a cold, direct reply. It is not

surprising that most women would smile at a man and keep their cool because they

were afraid for their safety. On that day, I didn’t bother to smile at him, or let him

down easy. I felt disgusted, I was disgusted and I didn’t care for anything else other

than the fact that the man in front of me disgusts me. They were other people there,

and I frankly didn’t care how he’d take it, because I was too irritated to even force a

smile on my face.

The next words he said were as follows, ‘don’t worry, I know what you want, and I am

not interested.’ All the time that he had been subtly asking for my phone number, he

had kept his voice low. This one, he said aloud for everyone to hear. They all turned at

me to give me that stare like I was some cheap prostitute on a very early Sunday

morning going around and begging for sex.

I am sure that he believed that I cared about what those people thought of me at that

instant. Well, I didn’t care. I have a feminist mindset, and the last thing I would ever

do is to be shamed by a misogynistic man in an attempt for me to conform. I kept my

expression as cold as possible and I didn’t utter any word further, making him look

stupid as he bantered to himself. The more he bantered without getting my interest,

was the angrier and more heated he got. A young man who was standing by his side

had told him that he didn’t think it was so. The old man had remanded him claiming

that I was trying to seduce him.

Nobody believed him. I am sure that he didn’t look himself over before making such

bold accusation, and quite frankly, my silence towards him didn’t make it easier for

him even.

Dear women, shame is an act of violence. The notion of the cries that a woman is

shameless is done in a bid to evoke violence on the non-conforming woman. This is

the last resort, when they cry wolf immediately they find that she didn’t care about the

words that they hurl at her because of her refusal to conform. It is when they

outrightly call her a ‘shameless woman.’ What is worse than being called a shameless

woman in a society that is so believed to be built on ‘value and morality.’ They would

say to her, ‘do you have no shame?’ they she would reply to them ‘no, I do not.’ She

would be there on out regarded as an enemy of the clan, the village, the kingdom,

what not. They would treat her with disdain and absolute loathing.

They preferred it when a woman had shame – she’d be easier to mold. According to

them, a woman who had shame would not report to the world that she was raped by a

man. She would close her mouth, to safeguard her chastity or virtue – I don’t even

know which one to them. If a woman reports that she was raped, then they would

wonder where she even got the audacity from to oust the fact that she has been

‘violated.’

Oh I must tell you that even most misogynistic men in oppressive society speak up

against rape too. I have found a lot of them who always spoke up whenever a woman

had been raped – they’d seriously condemn the act. Then they’d turn their backs to

advice women on how to be submissive. They do not know that such societies are a

breeding grounds for violence against women – or maybe they know, and just do not

care. All they want to do is condemn – they would condemn why a man had forced

himself on a woman – that’s all they ever do, condemn.

These group of men were also the ones who advised men to treat their wives nicely –

it is what they deserve for being such submissive wives. They tell him as a head of the

family, he must be respected, and she must do as he says – in return he should like her

and treat her well.

Shame is an act of violence against a woman.